The June issue of Glamour Magazine features an article on “The 50 Most Glamorous Women of 2009. It may or may not shock you to know that I was not among those pictured. Didn’t even get honorable mention. Which really hurts because even Paris Hilton’s dog was mentioned as being a “glam pet”.

The panel who chose this group of 50 glamorous people had 10 people on it. The only panelist I heard of was Isaac Mizrahi. I’m sure he’s never heard of me even though I’ve heard of him, so it’s no wonder I wasn’t on his list of 50 finalists.

I’m going to reveal the names of a few people who made the top 50, so if this would be a spoiler for you, stop reading now.

The Number 3 position on The 50 Most Glamorous Women of 2009 is… drum roll please… Michelle Obamarx. I know this should not have surprised me because ever since the coronation there is simply no getting away from photos of either the Mr or the Mrs Obamarx, but Number 3???? REALLY???? The blurb that goes with her photo says:

“She’s intelligent, self-assured, and chic. The arms, the sheaths, the cardigans, the belts… the confidence.” (This is according to photographer Norman Jean Roy)

Okay, except for maybe the “chic” part, this could be a description of Ayn Rand who was glamorous by no one’s stretch of the imagination. In the photo the mag used for her blurb, Michelle has got either a nasty case of bed-head or else her head is very very lumpy and misshapen. As I remember it, Michelle wore a rug on election night, she wore a bedspread to the inauguration, and she wore a sheet covered with lint to the inaugural balls. I don’t know who her favorite designer is, but whomever really needs to stop shopping in the bedroom and bathroom accessories departments at K-Mart. Apparently she’s very proud of the muscle definition in her arms, but her back reminds me of Mickey Rourke’s after he got stapled in The Wrestler. If I were dressing Mrs Obamarx, and given the size of her caboose, I’d recommend no more sheaths.

Number 19 on the list is Nicole Kidman. She has done some serious damage to her face — one of those Botox freaks I can’t stand to look at, so I really don’t get where glamorous comes in anymore. She USED to be glamorous, but not now. Likewise for Number 20, Sarah Jessica Parker. The picture they printed of her looked as though someone had cut her hair with a weed whacker while she was sleeping. Or maybe she was awake, but I can’t imagine allowing anyone to do that to my hair while I was conscious.

Number 36 is America Ferrera. All I can say to that is there must have been a real dearth (love that word, and I don’t get to use it much) of talent for that slot. Giving it to America Ferrera is like giving a glamour award to Bette Davis when she was in her declining years and she had all those wrinkles and her eyes REALLY bugged out.

Gisele Bundchen came in at Number 9. Her photo was terrible too. Her mouth looked big enough to drive an 18 wheeler through sideways, and the dress she’s wearing is terribly unflattering. She’s got seriously saggy floobies.

Last, but not least, the Number 1 spot went to Kate Winslet. When Kate keeps her clothes on, and when she’s all decked out like she was for the Oscars, I’d say she is pretty darn glamorous, so at least the panel bozos got one right.

Still, the bottom line… does anyone really care who Glamour Magazine thinks is among the top 50 most glamorous women in America? To my way of thinking an unnecessarily large number of trees got killed for absolutely no good reason no matter what Isaac Mizrahi thinks of glamour.